I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Houston, we have a blender
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
50% drunk capacity currently
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
