YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
