I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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