her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
