I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
Randomize
