do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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