lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Randomize
