I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
