Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
