I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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