Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I need a burrito and a hug.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
