I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
worst night to have a conscience
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
