I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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