Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize