I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
