i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
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