I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
