I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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