Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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