I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? 😭😭
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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