the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize