At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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