I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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