So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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