i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
What a fucking waste of an outfit
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
