What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize