well I can't set my house on fire every night
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
