I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
