I just threw up on my dentist
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
