I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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