life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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