haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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