**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
