turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
