Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
