PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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