We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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