I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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