So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
