I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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