You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
