If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
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