I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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