So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
