ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
