I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
