I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
