New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
