He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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