hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
