Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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