im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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