nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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