This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
