does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
