Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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