just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
