I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
time to smoke my breakfast
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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