You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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