Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
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