she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
