My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
